Handy Common Medical Definitions for Lay People

Artery………………………… The study of paintings
Bacteria…………………….. Back door to cafeteria
Barium…………….. What doctors do when patients die
Benign…………….. What you be, after you be eight*
Cesarean Section…… A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan…………………… Searching for Kitty
Cauterize………………….. Made eye contact with her
Colic………………………….A sheep dog
Coma………………………. A punctuation mark
Dilate……………………….. To live long
Enema……………………….Not a friend
Fester………………………. Quicker than someone else
Fibula………………………. A small lie
Impotent……………………Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…………….. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…………… A Doctor’s cane
Morbid……………………… A higher offer
Nitrates…………………….. Cheaper than day rates
Node………………………….. I knew it
Outpatient………………… A person who has fainted
Pelvis…………….. ………. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………… A letter carrier
Recovery Room………. Place to do upholstery
Rectum…………………….. near killed him
Secretion………………….. Hiding something
Seizure…………………… Roman emperor
Tablet……………………… A small table
Terminal Illness………. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor……………………… One plus one more
Urine……………………….. Opposite of you’re out

*A personal favorite of mine.

Was John Paul II a conservative pope?

“This may be what you think: John Paul II was the conservative Pope. His pontificate was marked by a resurgent Roman Catholic traditionalism, setting the Church against liberalizing forces of all kinds. John Paul II is remembered above all for shoring up structures of the past.”

This is wrong. John Paul II boldly presided over the maturing of political and theological revolutions in Catholicism. Perhaps despite himself, he was a Pope of change, accomplishing two radical shifts — one in the Church’s attitude toward war and the other in its relationship to the Jewish people. Taken together, those represent the most significant change in Church history, and they lay the groundwork for future changes that could well go beyond what this Pope foresaw or even wanted. In each case, John Paul II brought to completion a movement that was begun by his predecessors John XXIII and Paul VI, the Popes of the Second Vatican Council.”[46]

James Carroll sees Pope John Paul II’s continuing revolution as a “maturing” of Catholic thought. Pope Saint Pius X would have seen it for what it was: Modernism in action. Likewise, Pope Pius XII would have recognized John Paul II as one of the progressivist theologians he warned against in Humani Generis “who reduce to a meaningless formula the necessity of belonging to the true Church in order to gain eternal salvation.”[47]

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The Atonement

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Kreeft on Islam: “Secular enlightenment, which rejects God completely, is far more dangerous to our souls than a world religion that is devoted to worshipping the same God as Christians and Jews, albeit in a partial, somewhat primitive and distorted manner.”

In the debate, as well as in his book, Between Allah and Jesus, Kreeft focused on the “theological essence of Islam, which is a radical submission to the will of God.” He compared the devout Muslim’s readiness to serve God to the “humility and obedience displayed by Christian saints.”

He also commented that this example could serve as a lesson to today’s Catholics, “who all too often treat the demands made by their own faith as mere suggestions, to be taken or rejected by the self-directed individual conscience.”

Kreeft followed his assertions by adding that Muslims have high birth rates and they reject both abortion and pornography: “[Muslims] postpone gratification, and pay forward the gift of life to new generations — something far too few Christians are doing in our time.”

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Seen on the web: Church Bulletin Bloopers

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
————————–
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
————————-
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
————————–
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”.

Seen on the web: Uncommon wisdom.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.*

*On the other hand … Catholics know that the body, blood, soul and divinity of our Lord, Jesus Christ is reserved in the tabernacle of every Catholic Church … and Jesus … by means of his grace … promises to one day, transform all of the faithful into the glory of God.

So, merely “showing up” in a Catholic church places us in the real presence of God. And God, with our cooperation, can make us into anything he wants!

Submitted by Sharon F.

Meriting Heavenly Rewards


A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses,
a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy,
‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not
to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies,
‘I’m Jack, a retired airlines pilot, from Houston.’

Saint Peter consults his list.
He smiles and says to the pilot,
‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’
The pilot goes in to Heaven.

Next, it’s the priest’s turn.
He stands upright and booms out,
‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s in Pasadena,
for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the priest,
‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff
and enter the Kingdom.’

‘Just a minute,’ says the good father.
‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe
and golden staff, yet I get only cotton and wood.
How can this be?’

‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter.
‘When you preached – people slept.
When he flew, people prayed .’

A true Rosary story

Submitted by Bob Stanley

Better double check those email addresses

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left
out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is really hot down here!!!!

Waiting to Clamp the Umbilical Cord May Be Better for Babies

WEDNESDAY, May 26 (HealthDay News) — Pregnant women may want to consider asking their doctors to hold off on clamping the umbilical cord for a few minutes after the baby is born, a new study suggests.

Clamping the cord in the seconds after birth cuts off the blood flow from mom to baby. While not necessarily harmful, the common practice in delivery rooms potentially robs newborns of those last precious minutes of cord blood, the researchers said, and cord blood contains stem cells that have regenerative properties and can grow into different types of cells.

Research suggests there may be some benefits to getting that extra blood from mom right after birth, said senior study author Dr. Paul Sanberg, director of the University of South Florida’s Center of Excellence for Aging and Brain Repair.

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Feminist Betty Friedan (nee: Betty Naomi Goldstein) had been a Communist propagandist since her college days

Betty Friedan, the “founder of modern feminism” pretended to be a typical 1950’s American mother who had a “revelation” that women like her were exploited and should seek independence and self-fulfillment in career.

What Friedan (nee: Betty Naomi Goldstein) didn’t say is that she had been a Communist propagandist since her student days at Smith College (1938-1942) and that the destruction of the family has always been central to the Communist plan for world government. See “The Communist Manifesto” (1848).

Friedan dropped out of grad school to become a reporter for a Communist news service. From 1946 -1952 she worked for the newspaper of the United Electrical, Radio and Machine Workers of America, (UE) “the largest Communist-led institution of any kind in the United States.” In 1947, Congress targeted the UE as a Communist front and its membership began a steady decline.

Daniel Horowitz, a History Professor at Smith with impeccable Liberal and Feminist credentials documents all this in his book, Betty Friedan and the Making of the Feminine Mystique: The American Left, the Cold War and Modern Feminism (University of Massachusetts Press 1999). Horowitz cites a union member who described how a Communist minority “seized control of the UE national office, the executive board, the paid-staff, the union newspaper and some district councils and locals.”

Betty Frieden doesn’t want anyone to know her radical antecedents. Throughout her career, she said she had no interest in the condition of women before her “revelation.” She refused to cooperate with Professor Horowitz and accused him of “Red-baiting.”

Why? Because her book “The Feminist Mystique” (1963) would not have sold over five million copies if her subversive background were known. Communists operate by subterfuge — pretending to be just like us. This is the “Popular Front” strategy that consisted of starting idealistic movements in order to ensnare well-meaning people, usually students, workers, women, artists or intellectuals. The membership was ignorant that their organization was funded and controlled by people with a totally different agenda. This is also the principle behind freemasonry, Zionism and Communism itself. Essentially the adherents are dupes.

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Seen on the web … The Jack Bauer School of Evangelism

The Divine Life Blog

Tom Roeser pulls no punches writing on Obamacare, the USCCB, and Cardinal George

(Thursday March 18th issue of the Wanderer)
For many years, observers have felt that unfortunately the USCCB is a liberal left- wing political combine run by a politicized staff that is largely unsupervised by many of the bishops, and so far as Church control is concerned, it is all but rudderless.

The current president of the USCCB is Francis Cardinal George, OMI, the archbishop of Chicago. As a lifetime resident of Chicago, this reporter can tell you that writing to the cardinal in protest is a huge waste of time. George is a malleable accommodationist who doesn’t want to make waves. Though an authenticist liturgist, writer, and speaker, he is also an adroit parser ( balancing his answer with so many qualifiers it takes a linguist to interpret it — and even then the linguist may be wrong).

Long before George, the permanent Chicago chancery staff has for years – for decades predating him — reflected for the most part the hard- core left expedient policies of the Chicago Squid, 51 members of which are installed in the Obama White House.

The only way to get George’s attention and the USCCB’s is to give impetus to a drive to abolish the organization by withholding funds to the bishops. Formed initially as the National Catholic Welfare Conference, it was developed into a liberal bishopric trade association by the late Archbishop Joseph Bernardin, who could have given tactical lessons to Niccolò Machiavelli.

… In essence, the only way to effect change with the USCCB is not to write letters of supplication to prelates — letters which will be answered by the bureaucracy with boilerplate — but to cut off support for the group where it hurts, at the purse — and declare such intentions to George and/ or his soon- to- become successor as USCCB president, Bishop Gerald Kicanas of Tucson.

TomRoeser.com

See what happens when a freight train and a tornado get together

Turn up the sound, too!

Watch the video

Name Two Things Dominos Pizza and the Catholic Church Have in Common

1) Tom Monahan (a leading U.S. Catholic … of Dominos and Ave Maria fame).

2) A risky strategy of drastically altering a hugely successful offering (Dominos totally new pizza recipe … and the 2nd Vatican Council).

Domino’s Pizza announced today that it is changing its pizza recipe in just about every possible way. “We’re basically relaunching Domino’s Pizza,” said Russell Weiner, the head of marketing for Domino’s. The move by Domino’s comes on the heels of similar announcements made by General Mills and Campbell, saying that they’ll be altering some of their iconic products. Why are these companies tinkering with what’s proven to be successful for them?

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Rumor: Tiger Woods plans to change his name

Rumor has it that he will officially change his name from “Tiger” to “Cheetah”.

The Apostles probably had days like this too

Watch the video

Crime, punishment and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

A Comprehensive Directory of Authentic Vatican Guidelines on Virtually All Things Catholic

Lots of great stuff in this Vatican document.

Great explanations as to the hows and whys of the practice of the authentic Catholic faith, including much useful information of all kinds.

Spend a few minutes browsing the site and you’re sure to come away a little better informed than you were before … and hopefully, a bit more inspired.

Excerpt from the introduction:

a series of practical proposals. It does not claim to be able to include every usage or practice of popular piety to be found in particular locations throughout the world. Mention of particular practices or expressions of popular piety is not to be regarded as an invitation to adopt them where they are not already practised. This section is elaborated in reference to the Liturgical Year (Chapter 4); to the special veneration given by the Church to the Mother of our Saviour (Chapter 5); to devotion to the Holy Angels, the Saints and the Beatified (Chapter 6); to suffrage for the dead (Chapter 7) and to pilgrimage and examples of popular piety connected with shrines (Chapter 8).

The object of this Directory is to offer guidelines and, where necessary, to prevent abuses or deviations. Its tone is positive and constructive. In the same context, it provides short historical notes on several popular devotions in its Guidelines. It records the various pious exercises attached to these devotions while signalling their theological underpinning, and making practical suggesting in relation to time, place, language and other factors, so as to harmonize them with the Liturgy.

Vatican Directory On Popular Piety and the Liturgy

Mathematics is the language of infinity

numbers-721046

1 x 8 + 1 = 9
>
> 12 x 8 + 2 =98
>
> 123 x 8 + 3 = 987
>
> 1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876
>
> 12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765
>
> 123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654
>
> 1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543
>
> 12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432
>
> 123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321
>
>
> 1 x 9 + 2 = 11
>
> 12 x 9 + 3 = 111
>
> 123 x 9 + 4 = 1111
>
> 1234 x 9 + 5 = 11111
>
> 12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111
>
> 123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111
>
> 1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111
>
> 12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111
>
> 123456789 x 9 +10= 1111111111
>
>
> 9 x 9 + 7 = 88
>
> 98 x 9 + 6 = 888
>
> 987 x 9 + 5 = 8888
>
> 9876 x 9 + 4 = 88888
>
> 98765 x 9 + 3 = 888888
>
> 987654 x 9 + 2 = 8888888
>
> 9876543 x 9 + 1 = 88888888
>
> 98765432 x 9 + 0 = 888888888
>
>
> Brilliant, isn’t it?
>
>
> And look at this symmetry:
>
>
> 1 x 1 = 1
>
> 11 x 11 = 121
>
> 111 x 111 = 12321
>
> 1111 x 1111 = 1234321
>
> 11111 x11111 = 123454321
>
> 111111 x 111111 = 12345654321
>
> 1111111 x 1111111 = 1234567654321
>
> 11111111 x 11111111 = 123456787654321
>
> 111111111 x 111111111 = 12345678987654321
>
>
> Mind Boggling…
>
>
>
>
> Now, take a look at this…
>
>
> 101%
>
>
> From a strictly mathematical viewpoint:
>
>
> What Equals 100%?
>
>
> What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
>
>
> Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
>
>
> We have all been in situations where someone wants you to
>
>
> GIVE OVER 100%…
>
>
> How about ACHIEVING 101%?
>
>
> What equals 100% in life?
>
>
> Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help
>
> answer these questions:
>
>
> If:
>
>
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
>
> Is represented as:
>
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
>
>
> Then:
>
> H-A-R-D-W-O- R- K
>
>
> 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
>
> And:
>
> K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
>
>
> 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+ 5 = 96%
>
>
> But:
>
> A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
>
>
> 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
>
> THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:
>
> L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D
>
> 12+15+22+5+15+ 6+7+15+4 = 101%
>
> Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:
>
> While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
>
> get you there, It’s the Love of God that will put you over the top!
>
> If you find this interesting share it with your friends & loved ones.
>
> Have a nice day & God bless you!


Submitted by Rita S.

Ode to duct tape

tape_duct

Models use it to create cleavage. Sled-dog drivers use it to prevent frostbite. Athletes use it to support weak joints. Veterinarians use it to repair horses’ hooves.

What’s this wonder tool? Duct tape.

When Forbes.com compiled its list of the 20 most important tools of all time, we asked a panel of scientists, historians and engineers to look at the devices that have most impacted human civilization and shaped the course of history. The final list highlighted tools that have been around for ages: the knife, the abacus, the compass. But critics soon started raising objections. What about duct tape, the sticky silver stuff that can do just about anything?

Read the article