Catholic comedian Jim Gaffigan’s reflections on Pope Francis and the papacy
It would be great if you had a kid that ended up being Pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights! “Oh you’re son’s a doctor? Ours is Pope. Oh, yours has a nice house. Our son has his own city. It’s in Europe.”
It would have been weird to go to high school with the Pope. Somebody did! Somebody was sitting at home in Argentina watching TV: “Wait a minute — THAT GUY is Pope?”
It’s not easy being a Catholic today in America. It’s a little like being a Cubs fan for the last hundred years. Love the team, not crazy about some of the management we’ve had.
So sick it’s funny: The Catholic year 2013 in review.
Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o realized he had been duped into playing for fake a Catholic university, and in a controversial move, the Chicago School Board banned crosses and lower case T’s.
In February, parishioners were mystified by the sudden appearance of a mysterious “shiny, golden box,” which turned out to be a tabernacle.
Later that month, Vatican insiders confirmed that the reason Benedict XVI resigned was because the Roman Curia was too “fabulous” for him, revealing that Benedict was a simple man who could not keep up with the non-stop furniture re-arrangements, hair stylings, or near-hourly musical numbers he found himself surrounded by in the Vatican.
“Biblical” Humor: Ancient Genesis Fragments Discovered
The accuracy of these prophetic texts
is nothing short of astounding.
You Might Be In a Liberal Parish If…
by Matthew Archbold
You might be in a liberal parish if…
…your family has to split up to find the tabernacle.
…the pastor wears an Izod shirt and introduces himself as “Steve.”
…there’s maraca’s in the band.
…your pastor’s last name starts with “Pf”.
…there’s a bin in the narthex with old copies of Commonweal.
…there’s more than three rainbow decals in the parking lot which actually match the pastor’s vestments.
…the intentions are about “treating our natural resources with respect” and no mention of the sacredness of life.
…they removed the candles for ozone reasons.
Cardinal-designate Dolan’s address to Pope Benedict and the College of Cardinals
VATICAN CITY — Cardinal-designate Timothy Dolan has a great sense of humor so it came as no surprise to see his talk to Pope Benedict and the College of Cardinals this morning peppered with witticism and funny anecdotes.
His charm was so contagious he even made Pope Benedict laugh.
Three Basic Religious Truths
There are three basic religious truths:
1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
Handy Common Medical Definitions for Lay People
Artery………………………… The study of paintings
Bacteria…………………….. Back door to cafeteria
Barium…………….. What doctors do when patients die
Benign…………….. What you be, after you be eight*
Cesarean Section…… A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan…………………… Searching for Kitty
Cauterize………………….. Made eye contact with her
Colic………………………….A sheep dog
Coma………………………. A punctuation mark
Dilate……………………….. To live long
Enema……………………….Not a friend
Fester………………………. Quicker than someone else
Fibula………………………. A small lie
Impotent……………………Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…………….. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…………… A Doctor’s cane
Morbid……………………… A higher offer
Nitrates…………………….. Cheaper than day rates
Node………………………….. I knew it
Outpatient………………… A person who has fainted
Pelvis…………….. ………. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………… A letter carrier
Recovery Room………. Place to do upholstery
Rectum…………………….. near killed him
Secretion………………….. Hiding something
Seizure…………………… Roman emperor
Tablet……………………… A small table
Terminal Illness………. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor……………………… One plus one more
Urine……………………….. Opposite of you’re out
*A personal favorite of mine.
Contending for the faith
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”
His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?
The son replied, “I do know!”
“Okay,” said his father. “What does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young boy replied excitedly, “Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.”
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Reverend,” said the young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.”
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.
He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.”
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
“Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”
Submitted by Oscar S.
Moses, Samson, John the Baptist and Jesus
A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son.
“You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we’ll talk about the car.”
The boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m real disappointed that you haven’t gotten your hair cut.”
The young man paused a moment then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.”
And his father replied, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”
Submitted by Ken K.
Crime, punishment and Jesus
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
‘Jesus is watching you.’
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
Humor from Nancy
An Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver’s license. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
“Can you read this?” the clerk asks.
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
“Can you read this?” the clerk asks.
“Read it?” the Ukrainian replies, “I know the guy.”
Submitted by Nancy W.
Is it possible to laugh about the foibles of religion if you are a believer, or does being devout preclude it ?
Q: Is it possible to laugh about the foibles of religion if you are a believer, or does being devout preclude having a sense of humor?
A: How about this for an humorous oxymoron: “Organized religion”.
Doug Lawrence's Catholic Site 