Catholic comedian Jim Gaffigan’s reflections on Pope Francis and the papacy

NewPope

It would be great if you had a kid that ended up being Pope. That would be the ultimate bragging rights! “Oh you’re son’s a doctor? Ours is Pope. Oh, yours has a nice house. Our son has his own city. It’s in Europe.”

It would have been weird to go to high school with the Pope. Somebody did! Somebody was sitting at home in Argentina watching TV: “Wait a minute — THAT GUY is Pope?”

It’s not easy being a Catholic today in America. It’s a little like being a Cubs fan for the last hundred years. Love the team, not crazy about some of the management we’ve had.

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So sick it’s funny: The Catholic year 2013 in review.

masks

Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o realized he had been duped into playing for fake a Catholic university, and in a controversial move, the Chicago School Board banned crosses and lower case T’s.

In February, parishioners were mystified by the sudden appearance of a mysterious “shiny, golden box,” which turned out to be a tabernacle.

Later that month, Vatican insiders confirmed that the reason Benedict XVI resigned was because the Roman Curia was too “fabulous” for him, revealing that Benedict was a simple man who could not keep up with the non-stop furniture re-arrangements, hair stylings, or near-hourly musical numbers he found himself surrounded by in the Vatican.

Of course, there’s more

“Biblical” Humor: Ancient Genesis Fragments Discovered

Adam and Eve in the Garden by Michelangelo

The accuracy of these prophetic texts
is nothing short of astounding.

“We have now sunk to a depth at which the restatement of the obvious is the first duty of intelligent men.”

See this and other “zingers” from George Weigel

You Might Be In a Liberal Parish If…

by Matthew Archbold

You might be in a liberal parish if…

…your family has to split up to find the tabernacle.

…the pastor wears an Izod shirt and introduces himself as “Steve.”

…there’s maraca’s in the band.

…your pastor’s last name starts with “Pf”.

…there’s a bin in the narthex with old copies of Commonweal.

…there’s more than three rainbow decals in the parking lot which actually match the pastor’s vestments.

…the intentions are about “treating our natural resources with respect” and no mention of the sacredness of life.

…they removed the candles for ozone reasons.

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Cardinal-designate Dolan’s address to Pope Benedict and the College of Cardinals

VATICAN CITY — Cardinal-designate Timothy Dolan has a great sense of humor so it came as no surprise to see his talk to Pope Benedict and the College of Cardinals this morning peppered with witticism and funny anecdotes.

His charm was so contagious he even made Pope Benedict laugh.

Read the whole text

Three Basic Religious Truths

There are three basic religious truths:

1) Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Handy Common Medical Definitions for Lay People

Artery………………………… The study of paintings
Bacteria…………………….. Back door to cafeteria
Barium…………….. What doctors do when patients die
Benign…………….. What you be, after you be eight*
Cesarean Section…… A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan…………………… Searching for Kitty
Cauterize………………….. Made eye contact with her
Colic………………………….A sheep dog
Coma………………………. A punctuation mark
Dilate……………………….. To live long
Enema……………………….Not a friend
Fester………………………. Quicker than someone else
Fibula………………………. A small lie
Impotent……………………Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain…………….. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff…………… A Doctor’s cane
Morbid……………………… A higher offer
Nitrates…………………….. Cheaper than day rates
Node………………………….. I knew it
Outpatient………………… A person who has fainted
Pelvis…………….. ………. Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative………… A letter carrier
Recovery Room………. Place to do upholstery
Rectum…………………….. near killed him
Secretion………………….. Hiding something
Seizure…………………… Roman emperor
Tablet……………………… A small table
Terminal Illness………. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor……………………… One plus one more
Urine……………………….. Opposite of you’re out

*A personal favorite of mine.

Contending for the faith


A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what  the Bible means!”
His father smiled and  replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?
The son replied, “I do  know!”
“Okay,” said his father. “What does the  Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy…” the young  boy replied excitedly, “Basic  Information Before Leaving Earth.”

There was a very  gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible  to her brother in another part of the  country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?”  asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten  Commandments.” answered the  lady.

A  minister waited in line to have his car filled  with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The  attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars  ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him  toward a vacant pump.
“Reverend,” said the  young man, “I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get  ready for a long trip.”
The minister chuckled,  “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

Sunday  after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter  what the lesson was about.
The daughter  answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your  quilt.”
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.  Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea  and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school  lesson was about.
He said “Be not  afraid, thy comforter is  coming.”

The minister was  preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to  ask the congregation to come up with more money  than they were expecting for repairs to the church  building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that  the regular organist was sick and a substitute had  been brought in at the last minute. The substitute  wanted to know what to play.
“Here’s a copy of  the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll  have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During  the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the  roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and  we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment,  the substitute organist played “The Star  Spangled Banner.”
And that is how the substitute became the regular  organist!

“Somebody has said  there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and  say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who  wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s  morning.”

Submitted by Oscar S.

Seen on the web: TSA Humor for Frequent Flyers

Link

Moses, Samson, John the Baptist and Jesus

A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son.

“You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud. You brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m real disappointed that you haven’t gotten your hair cut.”

The young man paused a moment then said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.”

And his father replied, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”

Submitted by Ken K.

Crime, punishment and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

‘Jesus is watching you.’

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.

‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’

‘The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Humor from Nancy

eyechart

An Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver’s license. He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows  him a card with the letters: 
 
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z 
 
“Can you read this?” the clerk asks.
 
“Read it?” the Ukrainian replies, “I know  the guy.”
 
Submitted by Nancy W.

Is it possible to laugh about the foibles of religion if you are a believer, or does being devout preclude it ?

Q: Is it possible to laugh about the foibles of religion if you are a believer, or does being devout preclude having a sense of humor?

A: How about this for an humorous oxymoron: “Organized religion”.

Some Words of Wisdom From A Good Priest

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A few links to the wise words and faithful teachings of Father Dwyer … from Bob Stanley … The Catholic Treasure Chest.

Father Dwyer on the Church

Father Dwyer on the Mass

Father Dwyer’s humor

Food for thought from Father Dwyer

Father Dwyer … speaking about the Blessed Virgin Mary

“Top 100 Sayings” of Fr. Luke Zimmer